Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Paradigm Shift - Healthy & Strong

Body image. Ugh. The double whammy of feminine existance. Our bodies, how we perceive them, what they do for us and how they exist in the world. And image; how we perceive ourselves, how we perceive others perceive us and what we put out into the world.

I, like most women, have struggled with body image issues for most of my life. For varying reasons that are unimportant and with varying consequences that are irrelevant. There have been people that have lifted me up and there have been people who have cut me down: also irrelevant. There have been times in my life where the good opinion of others has been so crucial, I would do anything for their good opinion, even at the detriment of myself.

I say these things without blame, shame or guilt. Just an acknowledgement that this has been the truth for me for a very long time.  I always obsessed about my weight. My weight was the barometer of happiness in my life. If I was unhappy, I was chubby. If I was happy, I was slim. None of my accomplishments mattered. In Junior high, having a 92% percent grade point average didn't matter, in high school, being a musician and in 5 choirs was no big deal, putting myself through university, building a successful dance studio and making lots of friends didn't hold a candle to this one truth: I was fat.

My story is not unique, which is unfortunate. There are legions of beautiful, talented and vibrant women who move mountains and rule the world, but get sideswiped by body image issues and fear of the most dreaded consequence imaginable: being fat. Because of this, they get sucked into toxic relationships that only perpetuate their value system of being worthless. There is no shame in that. It happens. Lots of women get sucked into a world where they give too much in hopes that they will get some of it back.

And here is where the paradigm shift becomes important. It has come time to shift the truth.

A few weeks ago, it occurred to me that all of the energy I was spending obsessing about my weight, my disappointment in myself and my own self worth was entirely misplaced. I couldn't believe that I was allowing a number on the scale dictate whether or not I was successful or lovable or had any value. At first there was incredible shame at that. How could I do that to myself? What was wrong with me? And then a softer voice spoke up and reassured me that I was normal, but that there was something I could do about it.

At varying times in my life, my internal strength and my external strength have been in opposition. When I was strong inside, my physical body was weak and when I was strong on the outside, my insides were weak. So I made the decision that I wanted my insides and my outsides to come together and with their powers combined make one badass babe that I am proud to be.

I got rid of my scale. It was hard. It was really really hard. It still is.

Then I decided to do something different, something I never in a million years thought I could do. I started to run. I was always the chubby kid in school that would get the blue participation badge in school that said "hey, thanks for coming out.", so imagine my surprise when I discovered the amazing truth about myself: I am strong enough to run.

At first I was amazed and shocked. Then this deep burning fire ignited inside of me and I knew that running was the answer. The way my feet hit the pavement, daring it to fight back against the strength of my steps, the way my heart pulsed and my muscles burned as I pushed them further. Never in my life did I ever think I could be a runner. So as I pushed on and ran longer and faster, I would reach a point where tears would start to come and I would run harder and push faster because I knew I  had reached the point inside myself where I was getting rid of old beliefs and old patterns and treading new ground.

I'm not expert. I haven't woken up one day and suddenly become enlightened and "cured". I'm not a sword wielding ninja of self esteem. Yet. I am embarking on a journey of moving past and releasing a lifetime of self-perpetuation and limitations. But the one thing I do know is that when my running shoes are on and I am panting with sweat pouring into my bra, I am not running away from anything. I am moving towards my future of being healthy and strong and there is no one in this world that can stop me, cut me down or slow my pace. I am flexing new muscles I'v enever used before. There will be times when they are weary and need a rest and that's ok, because I've made the committment to myself to start the journey.