Comparing women, comparing bodies = losing game

Reading a recent blog on a topic that I find to be quite distasteful has inspired me to write my own thoughts on the subject: The recent facebook phenomena of posting pictures that praise bigger/curvier girls at the sake "skinny women" or that demean women who aren't.

About 3 months ago, a larger lady that I know posted a picture of a beautiful curvy woman on  her wall. However, the caption on the picture said something to the effect of "Men prefer curvy women b/c skinny women are like twigs they can snap." I found this highly offensive. But why? I'm a curvy woman. I grew up being called fat, lard ass, Oprah butt, thunder thighs and the most creative joke that people could come up for me was "What are you going to do, sit on me?" Mostly by skinny girls or boys. So wouldn't you think that of all people I would be cheering and saying "Yeah! To hell with you skinny bitches! Men like me better!"

FUCK NO.

In fact, I find this kind of thought process to not only be demeaning of ALL women, but to be incredibly divisive amongst women. And to be incredibly reflective of how fucked up our culture is. The REAL question that we need to be asking is "Why do we care whether or not men like skinny or curvey women?" and "Why do we as women monitor our own self worth and value based upon what men want us to be?"

Now, first of all, it is not my intent to male-bash. I know lots of lovely men that exist with this messed up, sexually frustrated, sexually deprived society that we live in. The target of my fury is why we even care in the first place. Do men post pictures of skinny men and fat men to compare and support their own obesity problems? Or make themselves feel better? They sure don't. And why is that? Because we exist in a society where women are raised to accept men as they are but to not accept themselves.

Not only do we not accept ourselves, but then we look to our beautiful sisters in this world and judge them based on their weight and beauty. We pass value judgements on ourselves based on our weight and then we pass those same judgements onto our friends, family and strangers. What is even more astounding is we then ask the question "Why does society force us to think we need to be a certain way?"

WE ARE SOCIETY. Time to stop being a passive participant in the world ladies and gents and to recognize that we shape our own reality, literally. If we do not want women's bodies to be the barometer of our culture (which they are), then we need to stop buying into it. It only exists because we allow it to exist.

Which takes me back to this whole comparing women thing. Many years ago my brother met this beautiful women in Australia, who is from the Netherlands, when he was travelling there. He brought her home to Canada. This woman is someone who I both admire and respect. However, she is also incredibly slim. Naturally. She is who she is, yet, has been targeted by incredibly mean spirited people who insist she has an eating disorder. She accepts all those around her, never passes judgement and is wise beyond reckoning. And yet, she is dimeaned by other women as being too skinny.

My brother has now married this lovely human being and they have a beautiful family of 2 girls and a boy. And she is still slim. Naturally. Witnessing my sister-in-law's struggle with people judging her weight really made me appreciate how hurtful comments about skinny or slim women really are. And it really pisses me off.

Fast forward to owning a belly dance studio. I am honoured and astounded by the incredible trust that my students place in me. Old. Young. Average. Fat. Thin. Medium. Tall. Short. I look at these women and their incredible courage at just showing up and using their bodies as an instrument of movement. The most shocking moment for me as a teacher of such beautiful women was when I realized that no matter what a woman looks like WE ALL HATE OUR BODIES.

And that really chafes my ass. BIG TIME.

And guess what ladies? Guess whose fault it is? OURS. Not the media, although they contribute to it. Not men, although they also contribute ot it. Not our parents, no matter how fucked up they were. Not the kids at school that called us names. At the end of the day, it is our fault that we are in the position we are in as women because we:
-undermine our friends and ourselves based on weight and appearance.
-allow ourselves to be made a spectacle of.
-don't demand better for ourselves and our daughters.
-use sexuality as a way of getting what we want and then resent the outcome of this approach.
-don't build each other up as sisters and allies.
-take pleasure in watching other women fail or suffer because it's better than it happening to us.

Let's face is ladies. We need a change. The way we interact needs a serious overhaul and it can start with something as simple as our language. Let's stop trying to judge each other based on weight. Or feeling better because someone else is miserable or suffering. We are perpetuating our own self esteem problems by engaging in this type of toxic behaviour. And then to make matters worse, we expect men to make up for it with gifts and compliments.

I'm getting really tired of these toxic and ridiculous facebook posts. I challenge you to post pictures of women of all sizes and praise your fellow sisters for their beauty at being who they are! THAT is where we start to effect change. That is how we can begin to create a healthy society that we are proud to raise our daughters in.